Bài tham khảo Writing Task 2 ngày 4/11/2017

 

TOPIC:

It is difficult for people in the cities to get enough physical exercise. What are the causes and solutions?

 

 

ANSWER

It has been widespread knowledge that sedentary lifestyle is often associated with numerous deadly diseases, putting hundreds of millions of individuals’ lives at risk. Despite this, there lies the fact that urban dwellers find it almost impossible to get adequate workout to stay in shape. While there are several triggers lying behind this problem, many reliable methods can be adapted to tackle it.

On the one hand, this disturbing reality is rooted in two main reasons. To begin with, it is due to workplace commitment that workers cannot get enough physical exercise. Metropolises have always been a great attraction in terms of job opportunities and living conditions to job seekers and dwellers. However, in such places, to find a well-paying job is usually a daunting and challenging task, let alone to secure careers prospects. Thus, employees must devote themselves to their career and burn the midnight oil, leaving no spare time for other activities, including physical exercise. Besides, technology addiction has driven city dwellers out of taking exercise. In today’s digital age, individuals tend to indulge in virtual entertainment such as online games because of its visual and mental satisfaction. Since such virtual activities are thought to be highly addictive and time-consuming, the more time they spend on them, the more dependent they become and therefore the more likely they are to neglect other leisure activities, such as physical ones.

On the other hand, however, there are still many feasible solutions to this issue. First, governing bodies do need to introduce new laws and directives on working time which reduce the weekly working hours to an acceptable amount. By doing so, working staff will have more time for leisure pursuits, increasing the probability that people will join in physical activities, which, in turns, improves work-life balance. Second, developing and integrating new software that encourages users to take exercise can also help alleviate such problem. For instance, there are many android applications functioning as a personal assistant that reminds users about when to take exercise as well as measures their heart rate, anticipating any health-related issues. Thus, these applications can perhaps help raise users’ awareness about the necessity of taking exercise and develop a habit of regular workout.

In conclusion, though it may have several root causes of this trouble, numerous attainable measures can be taken to eradicate it. Tough as it might seem for some citizens at first, the outcomes of such methods worth efforts.

(405 words)

 

COMMENTS

Task Response: 7.0

  • Mở bài gọn gang và đẩy đủ ý. Câu hỏi yêu cầu phân tích nguyên nhân và giải pháp; phần dưới thân bài cũng có hai đoạn phân tích chi tiết nguyên nhân và giải pháp. Ở mỗi đoạn bao gồm lí lẽ, dẫn chứng đầy đủ và dễ hiểu.
  • Bài viết dài hơn yêu cầu đề (405 chữ). Cách diễn đạt có chỗ còn dài dòng lê thê.

Coherence &Cohesion: 8.0

  • Sử dụng khá linh hoạt và chính xác các từ nối như: On the one hand, on the other hand, thus, to begin with, however…
  • Bài viết có cấu trúc rõ rang, câu trước là luận điểm, ngay sau là luận cứ và rồi giải thích. Các ý sắp xếp mạch lạc.

Lexical Resources: 8.0

  • Từ vựng theo chủ đề và không mắc lỗi dùng sai ngữ cảnh: Metropolises, city dwellers, regular workout, governing bodies…
  • Sử dụng rất phù hợp idiom trong bối cảnh bài viết: burn the midnight oil
  • Chịu khó sử dụng các collocation và phrase khác nhau thay vì các từ đơn lẻ: driven city dwellers out of taking exercise, devote themselves to, develop a habit of…

Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 7.0

  • Không bị mắc lỗi grammar nghiêm trọng nào.
  • Sử dụng thành thạo mệnh đề quan hệ hay từ nối để nối các mệnh đề trong câu. Dùng được câu bị động. Bài văn ít xuất hiện câu đơn.
  • Đặc biệt dùng được câu đảo ngữ: Tough as it might seem for some citizens at first, the outcomes of such methods worth efforts.
  • Cần thêm một số dạng câu phức tạp như đảo ngữ và câu phức để đạt điểm grammar cao hơn.

 

OVERALL: 7.5